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I Should�ve Taken That Left Turn at Albuquerque |
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Hello and welcome. If you're new here, be a dear and Read my Disclaimer. My diary not good enough for you? Fine, be that way. Try these instead: plf
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2002-07-03 - 8:37 p.m.� My mom just informed me that my grandmother has to have a cancerous growth removed from her face on Friday. I feel bad that I don't feel more concerned about her. That's so cliched, I know, but it is true. My grandmother and I have sort of a tenous hold on a loving relationship. She harbors ill feelings towards me, most of which are rooted in stuff that happened when I was a surly 13 year old living in her house. Of course, being 13 and having to adjust to my parent's divorce, and being uprooted from my home and friends, and oh yes, being 13 aren't good enough reasons for me to be totally forgiven for sassing her over 10 years ago. I harbor some ill feelings towards her too, partly for the above reason, but also for reasons of the way she treated my brother for years, and the way she continues to treat my mother, and given the chance, my brother and I. Mind games. The woman is all about the mind games. But she is my grandmother, and I don't want her to go through this. I certainly don't wish anything bad to happen to her, she is my family, and I do love her despite it all. I keep trying to think of her as one of my clients. She lives alone, she still grieves for my grandfather, she is frail and ill, her mind is starting to go, and she is afraid of what is happening to her. It's just so hard to think of her like that. She's always been such a force in my life, such a presence, and it is nearly impossible to see her as an old woman, going through all the things that old women go through. It makes me feel like a miserable little shit for caring more about the plight of my clients, who are essentially strangers, than I do for my own family. I'll go over and see her on Saturday, and probably bring her a peace offering of a strawberry tart from the Hortons and a bag of licorice all-sorts. And she will probably snap at me that I don't visit her enough even before she says hello. I will tell her that she could be nicer, and she will laugh and let me watch tv and eat licorice with her. She will yell at me when I tell her that I have to get going, and I will hug her and lie to her that I'll be back soon. That's just the way we are. Affection and bitterness all rolled into an uncomfortable but familiar package. *** I've resisted writing in here over the last couple of days, simply because I don't want to be repetitive. The most prominent thought in my head right now is "I'm hot" and I feel like that's all I've been writing about. Whine, whine, whine. But honestly, this heatwave is pretty much the only thing going on right at the moment. I get up in the morning, have a cold shower, go to work, come home from work, have a cold shower, whine about the heat, watch some tv or read, have yet another cold shower, maybe go online for a minute or two, watch some more tv, and go to bed. It's not even like I can readily break the cycle. I'm too poor right now to afford to go anywhere cold after work. Seriously. I have $30 in my wallet, and another $36.27 in the bank. And that has to stretch until I get paid again on the 15th. Unless my GST cheque comes before then. Cross your fingers, everyone!
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The big 3 0 - 2006-06-03 Hello again - 2006-05-03 Random stuff in place of an actual update - 2006-03-15 Pictures. Just Because. - 2006-02-23 Christmas 05 - 2005-12-26 Currently listening to: Tragically Hip "It's a Good Life if You Don't Weaken" |
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