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I Should�ve Taken That Left Turn at Albuquerque |
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Hello and welcome. If you're new here, be a dear and Read my Disclaimer. My diary not good enough for you? Fine, be that way. Try these instead: plf
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2000-11-07 - 7:42pm� It really is amazing how many mood swings I can go through during the day. If I'd had access to diaryland everytime my mood changed I would have written at least 5 times today. I did jot down a few things at work today, because I didn't feel much like working today. I know that isn't very good, but somedays it's very hard to maintain interest in work. Mood one: Sadness As I've said before, some days this job really gets to me on a personal, emotional level. There are some clients and volunteers that I deal with regularly, and I get to know their voices, their stories, their quirks... basically I get to know them, develop a relationship with them. Since I've started this job several of our volunteers and clients have fallen ill or passed away. Most of our clients and our volunteers are seniors; illness and death are always looming as a possibility. Today was the first time that anything serious has happened to one of the clients I've really gotten to know. He's a very sweet man, a fairly young man (in his late 40s), with a great sense of humor, who has had a series of severe strokes in the past years. He had been making great progress-- even in the short time that I had been dealing with him I had noticed quite a bit of improvement in his speech, and his comprehension was beyond reproach. He always told me I am his favorite person to talk to on the phone because I never talk to him like he was stupid, and I never try to finish his sentences for him. This past weekend he suffered another major stroke. He is on life support and is not expected to recover. I complain a lot about the nasty people I deal with on a daily basis, but for every nasty one there is at least one who is kind, and funny, and just all around a good person. I have a feeling that if this job was a permanent thing for me I would burn out within a couple of years. Mood two: Anger (this is sort of a carryover mood-- angry is the first mood I felt today, until it was replaced by sadness) I really, really, really hate it when my father comes into my life again. Okay, he hasn't come directly into my life this time, but his legacy of drunken irresponsibility and stupidity has worked its way into my brother's life this week, and what concerns my brother concerns me. We learned some new tidbits about my father, his current financial state, and possibly some information that could help get my brother the money that my dad stole from him. Either that, or confirm once and for all that the money is good for good. I wanted to be in a good mood today. I wanted to be in a good mood yesterday. When news of my father comes along it brings up so damned much anger in me. It makes it hard to smile when all I think of is wanting to get on a bus to Hamilton and beat the crap out of my father. I know that sounds harsh, but my feelings are fairly justified. Besides, it's highly unlikely that I would ever act on my desire to do him harm. Mood three: Understood (that's not really a mood, but I can't think of a better way to describe it) Sometime this afternoon, out of the blue, one of my coworkers and I got into a work avoiding conversation. I don't know how or why we started talking about our fathers, but she understood my feelings for my father. She knew exactly what I was saying, even when I wasn't properly articulating. She knew, because she had lived through something similar. It's amazing what a little understanding can do for my mood. It's not like a would ever wish a crappy father on anyone, but I feel I don't know, like less of a freak when I meet someone else who has been through it. More later, maybe, after Buffy and Angel.
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The big 3 0 - 2006-06-03 Hello again - 2006-05-03 Random stuff in place of an actual update - 2006-03-15 Pictures. Just Because. - 2006-02-23 Christmas 05 - 2005-12-26 Currently listening to: |
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