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I Should�ve Taken That Left Turn at Albuquerque |
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Hello and welcome. If you're new here, be a dear and Read my Disclaimer. My diary not good enough for you? Fine, be that way. Try these instead: plf
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2000-07-30 - 6:04 pm� I woke up in a cranky, crusty mood today. I don't know exactly why. It could be the weather, it could be the knowledge that in less than 24 hours I have to go back to the office I hate... Whatever the reason, I have been in the kind mood all day where I just want to throw things. So I've spent most of the day trying to appease my pissy self. I bought some new nail polish, I ate some chocolate popsicles, and I listened to Sarah McLachlan bootlegs. I haven't listened to the Sarah boots in a while, but today was just the right kind of day for her beautifully sad songs. I enjoy depressing/sad music. I find it comforting. I know that sounds a little strange, but it makes perfect sense to me. I can identify more with songs that speak of pain, of unrealized dreams, of well thought out plans going awry. This reaffirms my world view that life isn't always going to turn out the way you want it too. That sometimes life is a bitch through no fault of your own. And I also find it comforting to know that I am not the only one who feels sad sometimes; to hear my feelings articulated by someone else reminds me that I am not alone in having miserable feelings. Heheh-- that reminds me of a good Simpsons quote: "The Blues isn't about making yourself feel better. It's about making other people feel worse." I don't mean to come off as "poor little me" here. My life has been less than perfect, and I do tend to be cynical sometimes, especially when I am in a foul mood like this. But I deep down I'm not a mopey "why me?" sort of person. I have sad days and happy days and days that are sort of in between. I think that's fairly normal. My life may not be going exactly like I want it to right now, but I don't feel too sorry for myself. Things could be worse. Things *have* been worse. I'm just cranky today so I'm tending to dwell on the negative.... I had a nice talk with my mother today. I laid it out on the line. I am not happy living here. I have no room of my own, half of my belonging are still in storage, and I'm going a little stir crazy. I've done some careful calculation, and I figure that I could probably make a go of things on my own. If I couldn't afford a tiny place of my own here, I could leave town. I'm working for a national temp agency. I could transfer very easily. And even if I just work two weeks out the the month I could afford rent in a bachelor apartment or a shared residence with a little bit left over for food. It would be tight, but it would be possible. She was a little taken aback by this. I knew she would be. I am not necessarily unhappy living with her. She isn't the problem. My mom and I get along quite well, she respects me as an adult, and we do consider each other to be friends. We've been talking about moving into a larger place together for a while now, and splitting the expenses 50-50. She understands that this would give me the control (and the right to my own space) that I need. The only problem is that she has been talking about with the feeling that I can't afford to pull my share yet. That we need to wait until I get a more permanent job. The problem with that is that I've been looking for a halfway decent job in this city for over a year now, and I can't find one. There aren't a lot of opportunities for jobs for people with an education. My mom, who should not be working at a donut shop with her skills and experince either, serves coffee alongside a number of people with degrees and diplomas in a number of fields who want to stay in this city but can't find work. I don't really want to be living in this city, but for a number of reasons, including my mother, I would like to be here, at least for the time being. I explained this to my mom. Explained that I would like to stick around near her, and my brother and my grandmother (who is the reason my mom doesn't want to leave... we have that in common. We both want to look out for our mothers.), but told her that I am to the point that I will give up the geographical closeness in order to move out and have a chance at a good job. I also explained the financial situation. That 2 weeks of temp work a month would more than pay my share if we were sharing all the expenses. We are going to look at some 3 bedroom apartments and townhouses this week. So today wasn't all bad. I feel good that I have the promise that things are going to get into motion. But just because I am in Cranky!Heather mode today, I still have a sort of skeptical feeling in the back of my mind that nothing is actually going to change. And I think I'm rambling and repeating myself now. This is probably a good sign that it is now time to go make my toenails sparkly.
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The big 3 0 - 2006-06-03 Hello again - 2006-05-03 Random stuff in place of an actual update - 2006-03-15 Pictures. Just Because. - 2006-02-23 Christmas 05 - 2005-12-26 Currently listening to: |
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