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I Should�ve Taken That Left Turn at Albuquerque |
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Hello and welcome. If you're new here, be a dear and Read my Disclaimer. My diary not good enough for you? Fine, be that way. Try these instead: plf
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2000-11-14 - 7:46 pm� I feel like such a tool. I tried to make up some jasmine rice for dinner, but I seem to have forgotten how. Not that there is any great skill to it... it's basically the same as making normal rice, but for some reason it's just not turning out for me tonight. It's soggy on the outside, hard and uncooked in the middle. I don't like it when I find I can't do something that should be simple. I'm a grown up, damnit! I should be able to make myself dinner. I don't feel like an adult today. I wonder if other people see me as an adult. Or do they just think I'm a stupid kid pretending to be something she's not? People never think I look as old as I am. Sometimes I wonder if it's not because I look young, but that I just seem like I'm still a teenager. Does anyone ever feel like they're a grown up? Some days I feel like I'm trying too hard to convince everybody that I'm an adult, but that it's all a sham. How can I expect anyone to believe that I'm mature, capable when I'm not sure I believe it myself. I don't know what's with me lately. I've been thinking too much... or not even. I don't know. Sometimes it hits me that my life is essentially in limbo. I'm stuck in a rut, waiting for something to happen, for things to change. I want to find a permanent, good job. Something I can enjoy, that I'm qualified for, but mostly a job that is 100% mine. There are worse things in the world than being an office temp, but I don't like the fact that I don't have any ownership over anything I do. All the jobs I do by rights belong to other people. Sure, if I do a good job I'm appreciated, but I'm always dispensible, disposable. It gets to me sometimes. Especially when I don't feel like I'm all that needed or useful at work. I don't know quite how much busywork I can handle at my current position. I'm seriously considering having a chat with my employment rep at the agency or my supervisor at the this job about the possibility of moving on to a new need where they need me a little more. I'd be happy to stick around if they you know, needed me here on a daily basis. It's just that I'm starting to feel a little used right now. They're holding me here until they need me again. They don't seem to notice what it's doing to my morale. I don't think anyone really cares. They don't mean to do anything to me, they just don't really think about me much at all. And it bugs me because it feels like a metaphor for my life right now, even though I know it doesn't necessarily have to be that way. I feel so damned insignificant sometimes. And we're sad because we think we don't belong here,
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The big 3 0 - 2006-06-03 Hello again - 2006-05-03 Random stuff in place of an actual update - 2006-03-15 Pictures. Just Because. - 2006-02-23 Christmas 05 - 2005-12-26 Currently listening to: |
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